Impact of Gender on Communication Styles

By Barbara Ellicott, EdD, CCC-SLP

Knowledge and understanding of the uniqueness of male and female conversational styles may not only enhance relationships but prevent serious communication breakdown.

This breakdown frequently leads to misunderstanding and disharmony. Sometimes the consequences are devastating: divorce, unemployment or stress culminating in nervous breakdown, hypertension and/or cardiac problems.

Collective factors influence receptive and expressive characteristics in men and women. Genetic factors and gender are partially responsible for differences, but by no means do they tell the whole story.

In general, right and left hemispheric differences in men and women have been discovered. Males tend to obtain higher scores on test questions requiring right-brain function. Additionally, their levels of testosterone often produce higher levels of aggression, which need to be dissipated.

Men tend to solve problems through a more direct channel of logic, while females seem to be endowed with a stronger intu-itive/feeling intelligence. Each style may lead to the same conclusion, but the routes vary.

Integrated with genetic factors are powerful environmental factors. The environmental influences may be culture, social class, individual traditional family values, generational and/or political, such as the civil rights and women's liberation movements of the '60s.

Consider also the American culture of the '40s and '50s, when gender roles were defined early in childhood. Little girls were steered to play house and keep clean while little boys were encouraged to play sports and adventure games--getting dirty was an expected part of their masculine endeavors.

It was understood that the male would be dominant in family life (patriarchal) and the female would conform and remain submissive. This submission was applauded and equated with femininity.

Contrast this state of affairs with that which transcended during the '60s revolution with the emergence of women's liberation. Such dramatic change produced upheaval. One might speculate the structural changes in the American family were, at least partially, attributable to the psychological jolt produced by the newly proclaimed equity in male/female familial roles.

Contrast the latter with that of the more traditionally stable familial structure in Israel, where comparatively greater equality of the sexes is proclaimed and respected at birth. There is assumed shared dominance and contribution not only to family but to the country as well--women's role in the military in that country, for example.

Intertwined with genetic and environmental factors that contribute to male/female differences in conversational styles are psychological factors.

For instance, an individual with low self-esteem may be inclined to manifest extremes in conversational behavior--withdrawing and speaking only if asked a direct question or if coerced into the conversation. By contrast, another individual with low self-esteem may over-assert, even to the extent of dramatizing, as compensatory behavior.

The extremes of these individuals might be influenced further by the expected roles (e.g. dominant vs. submissive) of a given culture or societal trend.

Another psychological factor, temperament--which is currently believed to be inborn--may influence an individual's conversational behavior. For example, extroverted or strong-willed individuals would be inclined to be more assertive and loquacious, compared to their introverted, passive counterparts.

In certain cultures where the inborn temperament is not congruous with the behavioral expectations of the individual gender, the innate characteristics will ultimately prevail. Temporary camouflage of the temperament may be used as a coping strategy or as the result of a need to demonstrate respect for one's family culture, etc.

However, when left to his or her own devices, the individual inherent tendencies--in males or females--will struggle to present themselves.

During the last decade, there has been a cadre of information in the literature that alludes to gender differences in conversational style. Not all of the literature, however, present a holistic rationale for such behaviors.

The following consolidated information should be interpreted with an "analytical ear," bearing in mind the influential genetic, holistic environmental and psychological factors.

Sexual differences affect communication style in listening and presenting: receptive and expressive language. They influence content, verbal use/purpose, subject matter, structure and quantity.

Where motivation is present, understanding and appreciation may lead to behavior modification, which may enhance relationships in various aspects of life.

An understanding of male/female conversational style will enable us to more effectively "read" others in order to become more sensitive to their needs and comprehend their "hidden" messages.

Consider the following case.

Jean has had an upsetting day at work. Her boss acted in an unprofessional manner and insulted her in front of her colleagues. On the way home she is so absorbed with feelings of frustration that she nearly hits a car.

Arriving home, she finds her husband, John, relaxing in a chair reading the paper. On the verge of tears, she begins to relay her story.

"You're not going to start out the night complaining are you?" he asks. Noting that the news will be on in 10 minutes, John tells her that he has had a tiring day and would prefer hearing a capsule version of her story.

Jean feels violated and explodes at her husband.

This scenario illustrates how an understanding of male and female conversational styles could help to ameliorate disharmony and set the stage for reconciliation of other problems in the relationship.

Many women are better able to solve problems if they talk about them. They converse with emotion and feeling.

Conversely, men are more inclined to keep problems to themselves initially and engage in a divergent activity until they feel better. They then often proceed according to a problem-solving strategy.

Because they primarily are concerned with facts and logic in solving problems, men generally prefer that others stick exclusively to the point as well.

A reverse scenario, in which John is the one who has a bad day, may culminate in Jean pressuring him to talk out his problems and him storming out the house.

In each of the above scenarios, John and Jean don't perceive each other's unspoken messages and consequently feel misunderstood and devalued.

In sum, spontaneous (not superficial) conversational styles are a reflection of who we are. And who we are is a conglomeration of inborn/genetic and learned cultural, educational and psychosocial influences.

The secret to living and conversing harmoniously is learning to recognize, understand and respect each person as a unique individual. Therein lies a foundation of strength that comes from each gaining a feeling of acceptance and worth.

From that point a spontaneous mutually intrinsic desire evolves to support one another in behavioral modification for the purpose of enhancing a relationship.

References

Baraff, A. (1992). Men Talk. New York: Plume.

Barry, D. (1995). Complete Guide to Guys. New York: Random House.

Brothers, J. (1994). What men don't understand about women. Readers Digest, July.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bandom Books.

Goleman, D. (1995). How to talk to your husband so he'll really listen. Good Housekeeping, October.

Lark, S. (1995). The difference between men and women. Women's Health Companion.

Tannen, D. (1990). You just don't understand: Men and women in conversation. New York: Ballentine Books.

* About the author: Dr. Ellicott is a speech-language pathologist, learning consultant, child development specialist and state-certified school psychologist in New Jersey.